


Despondent

by EbbaTriesToWrite



Series: The Old Guard - tumblr request fills [6]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs a Hug, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Whump, Booker | Sebastien le Livre-centric, Gen, How Do I Tag, Insecure Booker | Sebastien le Livre, Mental Breakdown, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Sad Booker | Sebastien le Livre, and he gets a few uwu, i guess?, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26240902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/pseuds/EbbaTriesToWrite
Summary: “Wh-what are you doing here?” he stumbles over the question and curses himself for being impolite, he should be asking them how they are and if something’s gone wrong.“Nile here,” Nicky gestures to her with a roll of his eyes, “wouldn’t stop pestering us about how the punishment was too harsh.”“Oh.” he says dumbly, shifting uncomfortably on the spot, not quite sure what to make of the answer.“I gave them an ultimatum.” Nile says proudly, “Either I leave and come join you in exile or they let you come back with us.”“We choose the latter.” Andy says after a beat of silence and Booker’s knees nearly give out from under him in relief.
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Everyone, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: The Old Guard - tumblr request fills [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881205
Comments: 146
Kudos: 524





	1. Chapter 1

A few years into his exile - which had mostly been spent drinking his sorrows away - they show up on his doorstep. He thanks whatever higher powers there are that they came in the morning, before he had managed to get well and truly plastered. However, there aren’t many more mercies bestowed upon him because he ends up floundering at their arrival, unable to string together even one coherent sentence. 

Andy shoulders her way past him and grumbles about the state of his apartment and Joe scoffs at the sight of piled up dishes in the sink. At the very least, Nile smiles at him and gives him a quick hug before complaining about his greasy hair and unkept beard. 

“Wh-what are you doing here?” he stumbles over the question and curses himself for being impolite, he should be asking them how they are and if something’s gone wrong.

“Nile here,” Nicky gestures to her with a roll of his eyes, “wouldn’t stop pestering us about how the punishment was too harsh.” 

“Oh.” he says dumbly, shifting uncomfortably on the spot, not quite sure what to make of the answer. 

“I gave them an ultimatum.” Nile says proudly, “Either I leave and come join you in exile or they let you come back with us.” 

“We choose the latter.” Andy says after a beat of silence and Booker’s knees nearly give out from under him in relief. 

But along with that relief, something else blooms as well and he’s all too familiar with the feeling; dread. They’re all looking at him with such annoyance and contempt and he can’t help the way his arms fold over his middle, trying to hide the way his hands have started trembling. 

“Pack your stuff.” Andy orders, “We’re flying to Frankfurt in three hours.” 

He considers if he should protest, they obviously don’t want this and maybe he can convince Nile that they made the right choice of keeping away from him, he’s no good for anyone after all. But that is also precisely the reason that he doesn’t say anything and goes to pack what little he has. He’s selfish and he’s been so lonely and miserable that he’ll take whatever company he can get, even if it’s at the expense of the other’s comfort. 

He understood why they punished him as they did and he fully deserves it. He endangered them and it only makes sense for them to need time away to recover from what he ultimately put them through - even though he never intended for it to go the way it did. He can only imagine what pain the sight of him causes them. 

  
  


* * *

Most of the journey to Frankfurt was spent with Nile telling Booker about all the things they had done in the time they’ve been apart and he listens intently even though he feels incredibly anxious. He decided somewhere along the line that if he’s going to be causing the others pain, he’ll at least try to ease it in whatever way he can. He knows the others hate him and are only doing this because of Nile so he needs to make sure he’s on her good side - which is easy, he really likes the kid. 

Once they land, Andy drives them to a safe house that Booker set them up with sometime in the 60’s at the outskirts of the city. He waits for the others to choose their rooms before taking the one left and he bites back the slight annoyance he feels when he realises that the window is broken. He’ll have to fix that later but for now he just places his bag on the bed and grabs a blanket to mush into the crack under the door to somewhat keep the cold from reaching the rest of the house. 

He heads back to the living room right in time to see Joe cheer at getting the TV started. Nicky chuckles fondly at his antics and to no one’s surprise Joe flicks the channels until he gets to the sports channel. Booker smiles at their predictability but it slips off his face when he remembers how Joe and Nicky had been taken, they’d been watching the game. He swallows around the lump in his throat and checks the wood box by the fireplace quickly before heading out to the shed to bring some more wood. He doesn’t know how long they’ll stay here for but it’s late autumn and he’ll need to chop up some more logs if they’re staying for the winter. 

“France is playing.” Joe says casually when he comes back inside and Booker hesitates for a second before taking a seat, hoping he was right for assuming the statement was an invitation for him to watch. 

He feels tense for no reason in particular, Joe is making casual commentary on the game and Booker nods his agreements but mostly just stays quiet. It’s almost like it was before and it should be comfortable and relaxing. And maybe that is precisely the reason. Because he knows Joe is just pretending - why? Booker doesn’t know -, and things are not okay, things aren’t like before and they never will be again. 

Booker has knots in his shoulders by the time night falls and he tries to massage them out as he slinks off to bed hours after the others have. His back cracks as he bends down to mush the blanket back in place and he shivers at the cold that has already sank into the room. The covers help against the wind piercing in through the broken window but not much else and he curls up as tightly as he can. He’s been colder in the past, this is all fine. 

He dreams of Russia that night and he feels out of it when he wakes and tries desperately to remind himself of where in time he is. Nicky asks him if he’s okay when he bumps into him in the kitchen and he mutters something he hopes is an assurance before he heads outside to chop up some wood. It wasn’t the smartest idea, he realises when he slips with the axe and it imbeds itself in his shin. He makes nothing but a choked off sort of noise as he crumples to the ground in pain. 

He waits until the wound is mostly closed to make sure he doesn’t drip blood all over the house when he gets back inside. Fortunately the others don’t notice his cut up jeans as he slinks past and he quickly goes to change. No need to bring attention to his clumsiness and besides, his mind feels clearer after the shock of the pain. It’s probably not healthy but he notes that down in the back of his mind just in case he gets absent minded like he had been again. 

“Where’s Andy?” Booker asks when Nile forces him to sit down with them for lunch.

“She took the car to go to Berlin.” Joe says with a shrug as he takes another bite of moussaka, he looks at Booker as he swallows and seems to realise his unvoiced question, “She needed to meet with a contact, she’ll be back in a few days.”

Booker nods and curses that they only had one car, he’d been hoping to go into the city to buy supplies to fix the broken window. He keeps his mouth shut, not wanting to complain. If Nile hadn’t been rooming with Andy he would have taken her bed but he doesn’t think that will be appreciated. He’s intruding enough as it is and even if Nile was the one that wanted him back with them, he doesn’t want to risk annoying her with his snoring or the inevitable nightmares. She only wanted him back out of pity anyways. 

He’s grateful for her empathy and her naivety, she still hasn’t realised what he nearly doomed them all to. He wonders when she’ll realise it. Maybe after a mission goes south or maybe once Andy dies. He drops his fork at the thought and it feels like the clang of it hitting the plate echoes around the room with how silent it gets. 

“Book?” Joe says cautiously, “You alright?”

“Why’d you let her go alone?” Booker says in something of a mix of French and English, mind running too fast for him to keep up as images of Andy bleeding on the floor assault him, “What if she gets hurt?” 

“Oh, we didn’t tell you?” Nicky looks to Joe and Nile, “Andy somehow got her immortality back.” 

He gapes dumbly as his eyes tear up. He feels so incredibly relieved and when Nile reaches to hold his hand he can’t resist gripping it tightly in return. There’s a little bit of fear brewing in his gut but he tries to fight it off for now, immortality has always been unpredictable and he hopes that whenever he loses his that it won’t come back. 

“We should have told you sooner.” Nile says softly, squeezing his hand just a tiny bit tighter, “I’m sorry, it slipped our minds.”

“It’s okay.” Booker shakes his head and tries to smile, “I’m just relieved.” 

The next few days pass in a domestic blur. Booker wakes up before the others and gets the fire started much to the others’ confusion. They don’t ask though and so hé doesn’t offer any explanation and stays seated right in front of it until the chill finally leaves his bones. He feels a bit bad for not using the time to make them breakfast but they don’t seem to care so he tries not to let that guilt linger for too long.

He keeps trying to stay out of their way but he can’t help his curiosity when Nicky pulls Nile outside to train. She was a good fighter when she first joined them but he’s pleased to see how much she’s improved. Nicky still has centuries of practice more than her and he wins each time but the kid doesn’t let it deter her. She’s impressive, far more resilient and adaptable than Booker was at the start. 

One night, over dinner, Booker laughs. He doesn’t even remember what the joke was but it must have been funny because deep hearty chuckles bubbles up his throat until he notices the way Joe and Nicky are looking at him. He can’t place the expression and he presses his lips together, realising he must have gotten too comfortable and quickly gathers up their dishes to clean up despite the others’ attempts at protests. 

Andy returns the next morning and it takes everything in him not to give her a hug. The two of them have never been particularly affectionate with each other but he wants to express his relief that she got her immortality back. But he bites back the urge and asks for the car keys. She gives them to him without question and he leaves for the city. 

He’d already taken the measurements for the window and took a few pictures to show the worker at the hardware store and he gets the supplies quickly. He makes a pit stop at a bakery to pick up some pastries for the others before heading back. 

They seem to just have finished lunch when he gets home and he feels warmth spread in his chest when Nicky squeezes his shoulder in thanks for the dessert. He shuffles over to his room with the supplies to fix the window and hears a muffled question from Joe but he guiltily decides to pretend not to have heard him and closes the door behind him. 

It doesn’t remain closed for long though because just as he set about to unscrew the window it cracks open again and he hears a gasp from behind him, “What happened to the window?” 

Booker sighs but tries to smile when he turns to face Joe, “It was broken when we got here.” 

“And you’ve been sleeping in here?” he says disbelievingly, “Why didn’t you say anything? It’s freezing in here.” 

Booker just shrugs and feels a bit confused at the sad look in Joe’s eyes when he notices the blanket on the floor, “Close the door again or the rest of the house will get cold too.” he says and turns back to the window. 

He hears it click closed behind him but he feels Joe’s presence behind him and tries not to look too tense at the fact that he’s so close. They work in silence, replacing the glass and screwing the frame back in its place and Booker whispers a small thank you and gets a clap on the back in response before he slinks away again. 

They end up staying for the whole winter and despite the close quarters they’re living in, Booker can’t help but feel even more distant from the others. He just can’t understand them. They’re being so normal yet so different, looking at him with expressions he can’t read and he feels uncomfortably surveilled. But he supposes it’s understandable, they’re probably waiting for him to make a mistake or being careful not to get tricked again. With how closely Nicky is watching him, Booker almost thinks that he might want it to happen just so that he can get Nile to agree to send him away again. He can’t figure out another explanation and he considers if he should just stop being selfish and leave. 

They take a trip into the city the day before New Years and Nile insists they buy some nice new clothes to wear for the celebration. Joe and Nicky grumble about it but Booker can tell they don’t really mind it, they used to be very into fashion in the 80s and he’s pretty sure this trip will spark their love for it again. Andy rolls her eyes at each dress Nile presents to her but she good naturedly tries them on and she looks beautiful as ever in each one though she ends up settling on a glittering pantsuit. 

Nile picks up a floor length dress made of satin with a deep green color that suits her skin tone perfectly. She thrusts a suit and a dress shirt into his hands and forces him into the dressing room and he goes along with it. Before he steps out to show the full outfit he can’t help the way his eyes linger on his reflection. His hair is long and the ends are split, his beard is too long and he thinks he looks a bit like a homeless man getting done up as a charity case - he supposes it isn’t that far from the truth, really. 

“You look-” Nile eyes him up and down for a second when he steps out, “dashing.” 

“No need to lie.” he chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, “I’ll make sure to fix this up before tomorrow.” 

“I was wondering when you’d finally clean up a bit.” Joe says as he strolls out of the dressing room beside his and he looks unfairly handsome in his burgundy suit, “That looks good on you though.” he says and gestures to Booker’s plain outfit.

“You look great.” Booker smiles and lets Nile hold up way too many ties to his neck than should be needed to figure out which one matches the best. 

After they’re all done with their clothes shopping they head to the supermarket to pick up something fancy to have for dinner but Booker feels a bit tired and opts to just follow the others and agree to whatever they suggest. He isn’t picky, but when they head to the liquor aisle he chooses to take command. Nile nearly picked the cheapest champagne available for a  _ New Years celebration, _ and that just wouldn’t stand. Andy laughs at his indignation and he shrugs, knowing that she likes some good champagne just as much as he does.

They dress up the following day and Booker can’t help but feel a bit ridiculous wandering around the cottage in a full suit but the others seem to enjoy it so he doesn’t say anything. They cooked dinner together as music played from the speakers and although Booker still felt out of place, he was still pleased to see the others so happy. 

Nicky and Joe slow danced in the living room as they waited for the meat to cook in the oven and Booker was reminded of the time they’d infiltrated a christmas gala together. The mission had been a complete failure, Andy and Booker had been distracted by the open bar and Joe and Nicky had been too busy trying to impress a famous dancer. Their target had left by the time they remembered why they’d been there in the first place but all in all, it had been a good night. 

They gather around the table once the dinner is done and they end up reminiscing about the past year. Booker mostly stays quiet, he hadn’t really done much before they came to get him a few months ago. He’s happy to listen to their stories but there’s an odd feeling in his gut, not quite jealousy but something close to it. He could have been part of their stories if he hadn’t betrayed them.

“So how about some resolutions?” Nile says after Joe pops open the second bottle of champagne of the night. 

“Sure,” Andy says with a roll of her eyes but Booker can see the fond smile on her lips, he’s pretty sure they’d all do whatever Nile asked of them, “I want to keep doing some good in this shitty world.” 

“Inspiring as ever boss.” Nile chuckles and clinks her glass with Andy’s, “I wanna learn how to swordfight properly.” 

“We’ll teach you.” Nicky says with a pleased smile and Joe hums an agreement.

“Awesome!” Nile says happily, clapping her hands together, she must be a little bit tipsy, “Joe? Your resolution?” she prompts.

“To love Nicky.” Joe says and gets a wack over the head from Andy for the expected cheesiness, “Alright,” he chuckles and rubs the back of his head, sending Nicky a quick wink, “I want to move forward and heal.” 

Booker feels the ease that had settled in his bones evaporate and suddenly his tie feels too tight around his neck. He feels the others glance at him and he wants the floor to swallow him whole. 

“Same here.” Nicky mutters, “I want us to recover.” 

And they can’t do that with him here, Booker’s mind adds the unspoken words. 

“Booker.” Andy says after an uncomfortable beat of silence, “What about you?”

“To be better.” his throat feels dry and his voice comes out hoarse.

“That’s kinda vague.” Nile chuckles awkwardly, “But sure.” 

* * *

  
  


They go to Warszawa next. It’s the first job since he’s been back and it’s through pure muscle memory that Booker straps his rifle to his back and gets ready for it. His mind feels muddled and his heartbeat is too fast but he gets in the van with no comment on it. He’s gone on missions completely drunk before so this shouldn’t be too much of an issue. 

They got intel that a terrorist organization was planning an attack and their job was to stop them before they could accomplish it. It’s late in the day when they get to the abandoned construction site and the sun is already starting to go down. Andy, Nicky and Joe head to the back entry point while Nile and Booker are to act as a distraction. 

Booker manages to deactivate the few alarms they had set up and he and Nile are able to make it to the first floor undetected. He can hear Nicky relay their position through the earpiece right as they round a corner to come face to face with a group of men hovered around a table looking at what Booker thinks is the making of a bomb. 

He manages to get a shot off on one of them before they reach for their guns and he instinctively pushes himself in front of Nile to take the bullets hailing towards them. He stumbles into her and she hastily pulls him back around the corner, giving them a moment to breathe - and in his case, heal up - before reentering the fight. 

The comotion drew more men to their area just as planned and Booker knows the others will be here as back up any minute now, they just need to keep their attention until then. 

Only, of course things never end up that easy and an explosion from below rocks the entire building and Booker doesn’t even have the time to react before the floor falls out from under him. He thinks he hears Nile’s scream along with the men but he hits the ground before he can reflect further on it. 

He comes to with a crushing weight over him and he hurts all over. He can hear rumbling around him and muffled voices. It’s dark but he forces himself to calm down, holds his breath and tries to listen. 

“Who’s this girl?” a man says between coughs.

“I don’t know, we need to get out of here.” another voice responds, “Let's take her with us.”

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s going on and he tries desperately to move but it only makes the rubble over him shift and it  _ hurts.  _ His ribcage is being crushed and he can feel darkness pulling him under again. 

He wakes up gasping for breath and he coughs up blood which makes his chest ache. He tries to move but his arms are pinned just like the rest of him is and he isn’t sure if he should be relieved or not that his movement doesn’t even make the rubble budge. 

“There!” he hears Joe yell over the sound of blood rushing in his ears and he feels relief fill his entire being.

“Let’s go!” Andy calls out next, she sounds further away but it’s hard to tell by how muffled their voices are, “Get to the van!” 

Booker feels his blood run cold at the realisation. They’re leaving. In a panic he tries to scream but nothing comes out except a weak groan and he tries to move again, mustering all the energy he has but it only brings pain. His lungs are filling with blood as his ribs once again pierce them. 

He dies with the knowledge that they are leaving him here.

He comes back to life with the knowledge that they’ve already left.

And, repeat.


	2. Chapter 2

Joe coughs as they make their way through the collapsed building, pulling his shirt up over his mouth and nose doesn’t quite properly filter out the dust and smoke filling the space. He can hear people groaning and coughing around him but he ignores them, they’re terrorists anyway and they need to find Booker and Nile. 

He doesn’t know what caused the explosion and they’d been lucky that they had still been on the ground floor when it went off. Nile and Booker hadn’t been as lucky though and Nicky had said that they were probably right above where the explosion came from if they had followed their plan. 

Joe shoves himself between some pieces of rubble and reaches back to pull Andy through and then Nicky. This section is quite dark and they have to squint in order to see before Andy pulls out her phone to turn on the flashlight and they spread out a little bit, trying to find their missing brother and sister. 

When the air gets a bit too thick they shuffle over to where the wall has caved in and breathe in the fresh air with relief. Joe opens his eyes and frowns as he sees two figures moving out there and although it’s dark outside he can see that they’re carrying something. No, not something, someone, to throw into a car.

“There!” he yells even though the others are right beside him and before he can even react Andy is already sprinting away from them, expertely moving over the uneven floor.

“Let’s go!” she yells and it spurs him and Nicky into action, “Get to the van!”

They’ve gone through tougher terrain before and they make it to the van fairly quickly. The roads are empty, small mercies in a shitty situation. Andy drives like a madman, the car is barely visible in the distance but Joe knows Andy won’t let them lose it. 

It’s not the first time someone’s been taken after a mission gone wrong and Joe hates that he knows it won’t be the last. The targets they lose always want answers and it terrifies Joe just as much each time because he knows how desperation can make people cruel. And that cruelty can spiral and cause pain far deeper than that of the physical sense. 

Nicky gasps and it pulls Joe out of his thoughts. He leans forward to see between the front seats and he can’t help but smirk when he sees the car has crashed. They obviously had no idea who they were dealing with. 

When the van finally rolls to a stop they jump out and Joe smiles proudly as he sees Nile climb out of the burning car. Her body is covered in dirt and the side of her face is matted in blood but she’s fine, casually dusting herself off, though it doesn’t actually do much to clean her up. 

“They didn’t even bother to tie me up.” she says with a grin as she glances between them and the smile slips off her face, eyebrows pinched into a frown “Where’s Booker?” 

Joe feels like all the air is drained from his lungs as they all look at each other in confusion, “He’s not with you?” 

“No,” she shakes her head, “I lost sight of him after the explosion.” 

“Shit.” Andy curses and they all rush back to the van.

Joe can’t help himself and grabs Nile’s hand as Andy turns the car around, needing to know that she’s there and that she’s safe. Nile tries to smile but he can see the concern in her eyes and Joe knows it’s reflected in his own as well. 

He curses himself the whole way back for not having realised that Booker wasn’t with Nile. He isn’t sure if he should hope someone else has taken him or that they left him at the construction site. Neither sound like a good option but if they couldn’t find him back there, it means he’d be stuck somewhere under the wreckage, there’s no way he’d let Nile get taken without some kind of fight. 

When they finally get back they quickly take stock of how many cars are still around and Joe feels dread pull at his bones when he realises only one is missing. Nicky opens the trunk and throws a flashlight to each of them and without a word they force themselves back into the crumbled building. 

Nile leads the way, at least she knows the vicinity of where they’d ended up after the explosion. 

“Booker!” Andy yells, kickling at a piece of concrete, Joe isn’t sure if it’s out of frustration or if she’s trying to actually move shit around, “Booker call out! Where are you?”

Nicky sees a foot and beckons Joe over and with some effort they manage to move the rubble and he curses when they finally reveal the head of whoever’s under there, it wasn’t Booker. They keep searching, yelling and moving rubble around as they cough and occasionally pass out from the bad air in there. But they don’t stop.

“Over here!” Andy yells suddenly, voice hoarse but powerful as ever, “I think I heard something.” 

They run over, stumbling a bit, and Joe takes a shuddering breath of exhaustion when he sees the mountain of rubble they’ve gathered around. They all freeze, holding their breaths as they try to listen and after a minute Joe hears it; a muffled sound, something between a scream and a groan. 

It spurs them all into action and they frantically try to move as much of the debris as they can until finally they can see an arm. Joe recognizes the jacket even under the dirt and blood and grips it for a second, letting Booker know that they’re there. 

It takes too long and it’s a heavy and exhausting job to finally get enough of the rubble off to see Booker’s head. He’s completely still and the bottom half of his face is covered in blood, dripping down his jaw. And then he gasps awake, eyes snapping open for only a split second before squeezing shut again. Joe doesn’t know if it’s because of pain or if even the dim lighting is too much for him - it’s probably a bit of both. 

“Hey buddy.” Nicky says with a relieved sigh, gently cupping his face until he opens his eyes again, “Hang on a bit longer, we’re getting you out.” 

“Nile.” Booker’s voice is raspy and weak but when he coughs it has a wet sound to it and Joe has to look away when blood bubbles out of his mouth.

“I’m here.” Nile shoves Joe to the side to force her way into his line of vision, “I’m here.”

“You’re safe.” he chokes out, breath stuttering slightly between the syllables, “I’m sorry.” 

“What fo-” Booker’s head falls limply to the side before Nile even finish her question and she makes a pained sort of noise at the sight before looking at Joe with determination in her eyes, “Let’s get him the fuck out of there.” 

They work as quickly as they can, knowing that while he’s dead he won’t feel the pain of the shifting debris above him. By the time Booker comes back to them, they’ve got his shoulders and left arm uncovered and it spasms, unconsciously reaching for something to grab onto and Joe wordlessly offers his hand. He rubs his thumb over the back of Booker’s hand and watches as Andy gently strokes his hair until he calms down. Booker loosens his grip suddenly and Joe stares confusedly down at their joined hands before looking back to his face, expecting him to have gone unconscious again, but no, he’s still awake.

“Sorry.” Booker gasps before biting his lip, face contorted in pain and Joe shoves the confusion aside to keep working on getting him out. 

He dies twice more before they get his whole chest out and Nicky and Joe settle on each side of Booker to try and lift the large piece of concrete pinning him down so Nile and Andy can pull him out. 

The first attempt fails and Joe knows the sound of Booker’s pained scream when they dropped the concrete back onto him will haunt his nightmares. Despite their occupation, Joe has never enjoyed hurting people and especially not the ones he loves. He locks eyes with Nicky again and they nod, mustering all the strength they have, and lift.

Booker groans as Nile and Andy pull him out but even with his legs broken he manages to help them out a bit and Joe is once again impressed by the younger’s tolerance to pain. They all slump to the ground once they’re done, panting heavily. Joe feels a bit sick looking at the amount of blood that covers Booker and the floor around him.

“Thank you.” Booker says after a while and lets Andy pull him up into a seated position.

“Sorry it took so long, kid.” she says sadly and pulls him close. 

Joe frowns at how tense he looks in her embrace but he supposes being trapped for several hours might cause some aversion to touch. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Booker falls asleep on the way back to their safe house and for once, Andy drives carefully. There’s always an odd silence after missions. Everyone needs some time to gather their thoughts and emotions, no matter if the job was a success or not, it’s always taxing. 

Nicky is up front with Andy as the rest of them are stuffed in the back, Nile bracketed by Booker and Joe. It makes sense that she’d be in the middle, she’s the smallest of them, but Joe has an urge to be closer to Booker. He just wants to hold him close even if he wasn’t awake to feel it. 

There’s a bitter taste in Joe’s mouth and it’s not just the dust and smoke that’s lingering on his tongue. Booker had been quiet since they got him out and it made him realise that, really, Booker had been silent since he came back with them. He didn’t speak unless necessary and Joe couldn’t figure it out. He wasn’t the most talkative guy of the group but it had never been like this and it pains Joe that it took him this long to even notice it. He’d been too blinded by his happiness of all of them being back together. 

But, if he was to be honest, he had noticed it before. Booker was so withdrawn from the rest of them, even when he was right there among them, it was like he wasn’t all there. His mind seemed to be stuck somewhere else but he was good at covering it up. Joe had seen it but he’d ignored it for the sake of his own comfort and deluded himself into thinking that things would get better on it’s own. 

Booker wakes up as they pull into the driveway and they shuffle into the house on tired feet. Joe watches as Booker lingers by the door, watching as the rest of them filter around the small living room. He looks like something out of a disaster movie, covered in blood and grime, clothes torn and hanging off his body awkwardly. 

“Booker,” Andy says and Joe frowns at the way he startles at being addressed, “go shower.” 

He nods and wanders into his room before returning with a set of clothes and heading into the bathroom. Nicky pulls Joe into the kitchen and orders him to help him cook and he’s eternally grateful for the distraction it offers. He feels tired and gross but he takes great pleasure in caring for his family and he’s sure the rest of them are just as hungry as he is. 

He’s glad this safe house has two showers because Nile and Andy are quick about it and take over the cooking for Nicky and Joe to clean up next. They stand under the stream for a while, just holding each other tight before Nicky pushes back and starts washing Joe’s hair. It’s gentle and calming, just taking care of each other like this. But they finish quickly and when they return to the living space the table is already set. 

They eat in silence, the only sound is the clinking of cutlery against porcelain and Joe can’t help the way his gaze keeps traveling to Booker. He’s mostly just pushing the food around on his plate and it reminds him of when he first joined them, after his family died. They’d managed to stop him from trying to kill himself constantly and they had thought he’d gotten better but after a few weeks Nicky had figured out what he’d been doing instead to punish himself; not letting himself eat. 

Joe wonders what he’s punishing himself for this time. 

He doesn’t dare voice the question though, hoping he’s just misreading the situation. He himself sometimes has trouble eating after several deaths in a row, it makes your body feel strange and sometimes it makes you nauseous. Nile wordlessly gathers up their plates once they’re done to put in the sink and they all stand to go to bed when Booker suddenly speaks.

“I should leave.” 

“What?” Nile storms over to him from the kitchen, “Why?”

“You got taken.” he says as if it explains anything.

“Do you blame yourself for that?” Nile asks, voice pitched in disbelief, “You were stuck! There was nothing you could have done and I’m fine.” 

“But what if you weren’t?” Booker says and he glances to Joe as if he’s expecting him to back him up or something, “I-” he trails off for a moment, looking up as if fighting off tears, “I should leave.” he says again.

“Booker come on!” Nile scoffs but Joe can hear the worry in her tone, “That’s ridiculous.” 

“I shouldn’t have come here from the start.” Booker shakes his head and runs a hand through damp hair, “They don’t want me here and I just-” he stops again and takes a deep breath and Joe thinks it might have pulled all the oxygen in the room with it, because suddenly he finds it a bit hard to breathe, “the reason they don’t want me here is because I’m a selfish bastard and I’m just proving them right by being here. I don’t want them to hate me anymore than they already do”

It’s the most Booker has spoken since he got here and Joe feels his eyes tear up and it feels like someone just stabbed him in the gut.

“We don’t hate you Booker.” Andy says calmly and takes a step towards him.

“It’s okay Andy,” he takes a step back but he looks unsteady, “you don’t have to lie.” 

“We really don’t” Nicky apparently says it with enough conviction because Joe can see the flicker of hope in Booker’s eyes.

“Then why would you-” he cuts himself off and wraps his arms around himself.

“What were you going to say?” Nicky asks gently.

“It’s nothing.” 

The knife in Joe’s gut twists as he realises what this is. Booker hasn’t argued with them once since he got back, not even jokingly. It shouldn’t come as such a shock to remember the fact but it still does, and it fucking hurts

“We won’t get mad.” Joe says softly, and Andy looks at him, first in confusion before it shifts into realization, “Please tell us.”

“Then why didn’t you get me out before rescuing Nile, or... I don’t know? One of you could have stayed.” he cuts himself off and runs his hands through his hair again, “Fuck. Already breaking the resolution,” he mutters more to himself than anything, “So fucking selfish.” he tugs at his hair, eyes pinched shut af it’s too much to even look at them.

“We thought you’d been taken too,” Andy says with more calm than Joe would have been able to muster and she walks up to him, gently pulling his hands away from his head and holds them in hers, “we didn’t know you were stuck under there. If we knew we wouldn’t have left you like that. Do you really think we’re that cruel?”

“No.” Booker protests, eyes snapping open to look at each of them, “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize.” Andy says, tone stern but gentle. “We love you Booker.” 

She wraps her arms around him and at first he’s tense but it looks like all the energy drains out of him as he melts into her embrace. And Joe can’t hold himself back any longer and strides forward to wrap his arms around both of them. Soon, he feels two more sets of arms join the embrace and he feels the way Booker’s breath stutters.

“We love you.” he says and turns his face slightly to kiss Booker’s temple, “Always.” 

“You shouldn’t.” Booker mumbles.

“Yes we should.” Nicky whispers, “Because we do. We love you.” 

“Stop.” Booker struggles between them and Joe feels his heart break, “Please, stop.” 

Joe reluctantly backs off and it gives Booker enough room to maneuver away from the rest of them and he backs up until his back hits the wall. Silent tears are running down his face and Joe wants nothing more than to wipe them away for him but he doesn’t want to upset him further.

“You’re worthy of being loved,” Nile says softly, voice trembling with emotion, “you know that, right?”

“Not after what I’ve done.” Booker shakes his head and his breaths are coming in fast as he grips the front of his shirt, right above his heart, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t-”

“You’re forgiven.” Joe says louder than intended, “We wouldn’t have let you come back if we hadn’t forgiven you. We trust that you know why what you did was wrong.”

“I do.” Booker gasps and his knees give out from under him and he pulls them close to his chest, “I’m so sorry.” 

“We know.” Andy walks over to him slowly before kneeling in front of him, she holds out a hand, “Can I touch you?” 

“You shouldn’t.” Booker presses himself back further against the wall even though it makes no difference.

“Not what I asked.” Andy says, “Can I touch you?”

The nod is barely noticable but it’s there and if Joe wasn’t already crying he surely would have started to now. Andy just grabs one of Booker’s hands in both of hers and presses her lips to the back of his fingers. She wordlessly pulls him up and leads him away from the rest of them and it takes everything in Joe not to follow. 

He trusts that Andy can handle this, at least for now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo… this fic was only supposed to have two chapters. But this was a very unsatisfying chapter and ending and so it’s gonna have at least one more where I can hopefully make Booker a little bit less sad


	3. Chapter 3

He feels lethargic and simply lets Andy push him into bed. He doesn’t say a word when she crawls in after him, pulling the covers high over them. She isn’t touching him, at least not actively, it’s just their shoulders pressing against each other and it’s more due to the narrowness of the bed than anything else. 

She grabs his hand and interlocks their fingers in a weak grip, “Tell me if it’s too much.” 

“It’s not.” his voice trembles and she squeezes his hand ever so slightly and it makes a tear slip down his temple. 

He’s glad they never turned on the lights. It’s far too much that they all saw him break down like that earlier. He had thought he could be strong enough to leave like he should and he knows the only reason they’re letting him stay now is out of pity. He hates himself for being grateful for it. 

“Go to sleep.” Andy whispers into the darkness, “You’re too loud.”

“I haven’t said anything.” he whispers back and she squeezes his hand again.

“You’re thinking too much.” she turns to her side and the bed dips with her movements, “I can practically hear the gears turning in that head of yours.” 

“Sorry.” it slips out automatically and Andy sighs.

“You don’t need to apologize for everything Book.” she says calmly and he feels bad, she sounds so sad, and maybe a little disappointed.

He’s about to say sorry for that too but he swallows the words and turns over to get more comfortable. He can feel Andy’s breaths on his face but it doesn’t bother him. Their hands aren’t interlocked anymore and the puffs of air serve as a reminder that she’s there - even though he doesn’t think she has to be. He wouldn’t have blamed any of them if they’d told him to leave. He’d be tired of dealing with him as well. 

He falls asleep hoping he’ll be better in the morning. 

The world does have a habit of screwing him over though and he wakes up gasping for air, lurching up violently as he coughs, trying to dispel the water in his lungs that isn’t even there. He flinches when he feels a hand rubbing his back and then it’s gone. He can hear someone speaking but it’s muffled by the blood rushing in his ears and he still can’t fucking  _ breathe.  _

It’s been weeks since he last dreamt of her and he hates that there is no consistency to the dreams. There’s no way to prepare for it and that terrifies him just as much as the dreams themselves do. He grabs onto his wrist, digging his nails in as deep as he can, the pain being at least somewhat grounding. 

“Book!” Andy’s voice cuts through the panic and he snaps his head towards her worried face, “You’re okay.” she says, softer this time and peels his hand away from his wrist to hold it, “You’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” he gasps, his breathing not quite in control yet, “I’m okay.” 

They stay silent for a while and he keeps looking at Andy. She has always been someone he feels safe around. He doesn’t think he’s ever told her that, maybe he should. 

“Was it-” Andy hesitates for a moment, a flash of pain in her eyes, “Did you dream of Quynh?” 

“Yeah.” he nods and has to look away.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks after a beat of silence and he’s pretty sure his heart skips a beat, they’ve never asked him to before. He knows why, of course.

“It’s okay.” he moves to get out of bed but she’s not letting go of his hand.

“We’ve been ignoring your struggles for too long.” she sounds regretful and he opens his mouth to reassure her that it really is okay, “No more of it.” she declares, interrupting him before he’s even spoken, as if she knew what he was about to say - she probably did, he is pretty predictable, “I’m here for you. We all are.” 

It sounds so earnest, like she really means it. Booker is probably a bad person for not believing her. Well, no, there’s no ‘probably’ about it, he is a bad person. He musters up a weak smile and pulls his hand away.

“I’m gonna take a shower.” he says and tries with all his might not to sprint out of the room. 

* * *

  
  


He ends up opting against a shower though. He feels sweaty and gross but the prospect of being covered in water doesn’t feel particularly desirable after what he dreamt of and he heads outside. He sits on the stone doorstep and he shivers, the sun has barely risen yet but he can’t bring himself to go inside and grab a coat. He feels so fucking tired. 

The door opens and he glances back, smiling a bit when he sees it’s just Nile. She closes the door behind her and sits down next to him and offers him a sip of her coffee, he declines. 

“What are you doing up?” he asks, folding his arms and putting his hands under them to warm them up a bit.

“Bad dream.” she shrugs.

“You too, huh?” he doesn’t really know what else to say and they fall into silence. 

“Andy said you wouldn’t talk to her about it.” Nile says after a while, she sounds a bit sad.

“Do you?” he asks, “Talk to her about it, I mean.” 

“No.” 

“So you get it then.” he shrugs.

“But I talk to Nicky and Joe.” Nile says and for some reason it sounds like a challenge, “They seem to have realised they can’t just ignore it.” 

“That’s good.” 

It really is and he hates the jealousy that’s brewing within him. Nile deserves to have them as a support system, she’s strong enough to demand it. While he’s not. Even before he betrayed them, he had been a mess. Constantly drunk off his ass and at the very beginning he had been incredibly rude to them, he didn’t want anything to do with this life - he still doesn’t. It makes sense that after declining their offers of help at the start would lead to them not offering any more. It was justified. 

“If you won’t talk to them,” Nile starts, pausing to take a sip of her coffee, “will you talk to me?”

“What’s there to say?” 

“I don’t fucking know,” Nile says exasperatedly, “you need to at least aknowledge that it’s happening. From what I’ve gathered, it seems like the four of you have just ignored it,  _ all _ of it.” 

“It’s not their fault.” he shivers and stands up, “I’m heading inside.” 

“You sure like running from things, don’t you?” for a moment he thinks she’s accusing him but when he looks at her he can see that she looks amused, if a bit sad too, but mostly she seems amused. 

“Gotta exercise somehow.” he quips and for some reason he feels lighter on his feet when he hears her chuckle. 

“You’re insufferable to talk to, y’know.” she stands up and bumps her shoulder into his, “You’re lucky I love you.” 

If she notices the tears that gather in his eyes at that, she doesn’t mention it. 

* * *

  
  


He feels awkward the whole morning, it almost feels like he’s walking around in the nude. He feels exposed and he locks himself in his room, unable to take the sad way the others are looking at him and fortunately they leave him be. 

That is, until Andy comes to knock on his door to tell him to pack up his stuff. She must notice something on his face because she rushes to assure him that they’re all leaving, needing to make sure no one realises they were part of what happened at the construction site. 

He ends up being done first out of all of them, he had already packed his bag the night before. Joe seems to realise it because his eyes linger on his duffle for a bit too long and he looks so damn sad. The others are done soon enough though and they pile into the car. He realises it’s a different one from yesterday and Nile tells him that Andy had gone and dumped their van and gotten them a new one. 

It’s cramped in the backseat and Booker presses himself against the car door to make room for Nile and Nicky but really, he can’t do much about it. They stop after a few hours to get gas and Booker groans as he gets out as he finally gets to stretch his legs. 

Nile and Joe head into the station to get them some food and coffee as Andy fills up the tank and Booker can feel Nicky’s eyes on him. He bites back a sigh as the older approaches him with slow but loud steps. 

“You alright?” he asks in French and Booker nods, “I want to apologize.” Nicky continues once he realises Booker has nothing to say.

“For what?” Booker tries to go for an indifferent tone but he doesn’t think it works. 

“In retrospect, I realise that we probably should have been clearer that we all wanted you back.” Nicky says calmly, guilt coloring his tone and Booker really doesn’t like that sound. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t.” Booker shakes his head, “It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Nicky insists, “we hurt you and you keep thinking your pain is less-” he trails off, searching for the word, “I don’t know, less valid? Or real than ours.”

“It’s not like you turned me over to be experimented on.” Booker can’t help but snap, what he’s feeling is nothing compared to what he put them through. 

“No.  _ You  _ did that.” Nicky snaps back and Booker closes his eyes, waiting for him to yell now that he’s been reminded of what he did, “But  _ we  _ know that you’re depressed and we didn’t bother to reassure you that we still love you, despite your mistakes.”

He has to look away, cursing himself for how little he’s been able to control his emotions in the last 24 hours. But Nicky notices, because of course he does, and he rounds on him, opening his arms and slowly steps closer, giving Booker the chance to back away. He’s weak though, and it looks so damn inviting, so he lets Nicky hug him.

He buries his face in his shoulder and weakly grips at the back of Nicky’s jacket. He feels himself break a little, having missed this so deeply and Nicky hushes him softly when he sniffles, rubbing his back comfortingly. 

“I’m sorry.” Booker whispers and goes to pull away but Nicky doesn’t let up. It’s not constricting and he could easily get out of his hold if he wanted to, “I’m so sorry.” 

“I know.” Nicky whispers back and kisses the side of his head, “I’m sorry too.” 

* * *

  
  


Booker knows the others saw what happened earlier but fortunately no one says anything about it and they keep driving as if nothing happened. He falls asleep at some point and he feels a bit bad when he wakes up and realises he hadn’t even offered to drive once. Nile throws him his bag and they walk towards the hotel.

It’s one of the more expensive ones they’ve stayed at, Booker realises as he glances to the high ceiling and sees the large chandelier up there. The receptionist looks at them weirdly and he gets it, they probably don’t look like their usual guests but after a few quick words from Andy they’ve got their keycards.

“Boys, you will room together.” she says and hands Nicky the card even as she looks at Booker, gauging him for a reaction and he just gives a small nod of agreement. 

They say a quick goodnight to Nile and Andy and step off the elevator on the 8th floor. Nicky quickly unlocks their room and Booker throws his duffle on the pull out couch that will be his bed for the night before belining for the minifridge. He grabs a beer can and makes a mental note to send Andy the money for it later. He ignores the worried look Nicky sends him and steps out on the balcony, pleased to see there’s a few armchairs there for him to rest on. 

He feels tired but restless and he hopes the beer will help with that. He gulps it down too quickly and sets it on the small table beside him and leans his head back, closing his eyes and tries to get his mind to keep quiet. It’s cold out and a bit windy but he doesn’t really mind it, the fresh air is welcomed after hours in the car. 

He must have dozed off a bit because he startles awake when he hears the door slide open and he watches in silence as Joe sits down next to him, smiling awkwardly.

“You tired?” he asks.

“Yeah.” Booker sighs and sits up a bit straighter.

“Y’know, I used to find it funny how you could fall asleep just about anywhere.” Joe says casually but there’s a heaviness to his tone, “I remember when we found you asleep on a rooftop when you were supposed to fix a hole in it.”

Booker chuckles at the memory, he had nearly slipped down in his sleep when it started raining and Joe had had to climb up and shake him awake, “I was really tired that day.”

“Isn’t it everyday though?” Joe asks.

“Yeah.” Booker bites back a yawn, just speaking of sleeping makes him long for it. 

“Nile told us that's a symptom of depression.” it doesn’t sound judgemental but Booker can’t help but feel a bit ashamed.

“It is.” he agrees softly, silence following, none of them knowing what to say.

“I’ve been a really shitty friend.” Joe speaks up after a while. 

“Don’t say that.” 

“It’s true,” he insists and Booker doesn’t know what to say, he can’t even understand where this is coming from, “for a long time, I’ve been ignoring the signs and I didn’t even think to ask if you were okay.” 

“I didn’t tell you,” Booker argues back and for some reason that just makes Joe look even more upset, “it makes sense that you wouldn’t ask. You didn’t know back then.”

“But I do now, I’ve known since the whole Merrick situation and I still didn’t ask.” Joe runs a frustrated hand through his hair, “I noticed that something was wrong since you came back but I ignored it because I was just happy we were a family again.”

“You were?” the warm feeling in his chest feels undeserved but  _ fuck _ if it didn’t feel good too. 

“Yes.” Joe smiles, tears in his eyes, “I have missed you immensely, my brother.” 

Booker feels calm when they go back inside and they quickly get ready for bed. Joe gently grabs his hand when he emerges from the bathroom and to his surprise he pulls him over to the large king size bed. Nicky holds up the covers and asks him to sleep with them and Booker feels his eyes water. 

They’ve done it many times before, usually when there was a lack of sleeping spots and they didn’t want him to sleep on the floor like he’d usually offer but this time it feels different and he can’t resist it. He falls into bed and Joe and Nicky curl around him and for once it doesn’t feel suffocating. It just feels warm and safe and he thinks that maybe, just maybe, things will start to get better. And maybe he will actually be able to keep his resolution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I’m not really all that happy with how this fic turned out but I can’t figure out a better way to end it so I hope you don’t hate this crap too much lol  
> Thank you for reading and thanks for all the lovely comments, they really mean a lot to me!  
> xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think! 
> 
> This is a request fill from an ask on Tumblr, come talk to me over there pls:  
> [EbbaTriesToWrite](https://ebbatriestowrite.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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